To Be, To be Happy

Dear Ummy,

I’m writing this letter crossed legged with my laptop on my bed with a cool breeze brushing over my face. I want to tell you exactly how I feel at this beautiful moment but I can’t seem to find the right words. Do people call this happiness? I think I can say that I am happy. And that is scary. We are happy, Ummy. And this time, we are not faking it to make it. I am happy. And some days, I feel like running because this is new to me. Being open with people I love, people like you, baby girl.

I have a lot to say to you. And for some reasons known to us both, I can’t remember a lot of my childhood. And that can be quite sad sometimes. I’m learning to hold on to memories as they come, to live in the present, to feel the emotions, to stop running. To stop running. To be kind to you, to myself. To be a safe place for people like you. To allow these people in without holding back. I’m learning to love our body. I spend a lot of time by the mirror just examining this beauty, our beauty. I am learning to sit by myself. To be comfortable with my loud laughter and to let myself cry. To let myself cry. I am learning that I don’t have to be strong every time. That it is okay to ask for help. That hugs are good for bonding especially if it’s coming from the right person. I am learning that it is okay to be soft. To be happy.

I’m learning that it is okay to make mistakes. It is okay to admit these mistakes without feeling stupid. Human. That’s what you are, Ummy. And humans are created to make mistakes so I’ve stopped trying to be perfect. Yes, I spoiled your show. But I got you something better, baby girl. I got you support and love, real love. I got you friendships with thick bonds. Friends who will call you out on your bullshit. Yes, we made that kind of friends too. And as expected we fight a lot. But we always always learn from our fights. And we are learning to fight better. To attack the issue and not the person. I am learning that not everyone is trying to tear us down. I am learning to trust these people. Trust. We still have trust issues but I’m learning to not let that affect how we relate with people. And sometimes, this can still be hard. We’re taking baby steps, baby and I’m learning that that’s enough too. That we just need to show up every day as our true selves.

You are enough. You are beautiful, Ummy. And it’s okay to be different, Otolorin. It’s okay to not like boys at first sight. It’s okay to still get angry when they try to get close. It’s okay to have our guards up and that doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s okay to feel anxious. To be afraid of speaking up. It’s okay to not raise your hands in class, that doesn’t make you stupid. I am learning that we all communicate in different ways.

I have a whole lot to say to you and I’m kinda sad that I can’t conjure up an image of you without looking through my gallery. That makes me sad but I’m learning to remember you how I choose to. To remember your smooth face. To remember your skinny body. To remember your blue jeans. To remember your smile. I want to remember your smile. I can’t remember your soft cries. I wish I do. To remember the sky. How you always loved it. How we still love it now.

I want to remember you, Ummy. I want to remember you happy.

Love from the other side,

Your savvy, kind, beautiful and happy self,

Otolorin.